Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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