i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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