My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
