Will you blow on my dice?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
