don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
