I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
