His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
