yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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