Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
