before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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