The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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