Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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