i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I party with great urgency now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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