Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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