Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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