so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
