Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure