Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day