it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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