You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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