Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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