I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
