You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
