we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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