He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.