Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?