My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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