then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
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I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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