last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.