i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE