You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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