I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
