I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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