K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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