So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
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Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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