Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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