If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office