I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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