And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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