yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
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I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary