youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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