On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Everyone says I win the strip club