If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.