I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls