Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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