Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night