this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.