i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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