Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
