look no pants
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
