Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
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So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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