Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
we're so committed to being not committed
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
