I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
