What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
