I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
