Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
as a side note pls kill me
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
